A shattered heart
Last night, was one of the most painful, heart breaking, gut wrenching nights of my life! Even harder, is the fact that I'm not really supposed to talk about it. Why? Because well, as I've been told "this isn't about you." Which, is true, but ... And, because we aren't supposed to share these things because well, around here, it would seriously embarrass someone. And lord knows, we can't have that. So, I'll just blog. (lol)
As I type, my 'adult' daughter is being prepared for surgery. She made arrangements with my Sister for transportation and asked that I not be there. Now, I acknowledge that things have been strained between us for several months now (following her return from an Alcohol Treatment Center.) but, to hear the words "No, I don't want you there.", "this isn't about you"., You're stressing me out", coming from her mouth, pierced my heart.
I stood there numb. In complete, I don't know, absolutely shock? When she first told me about her arrangements, I had to accept them but was hoping I could go and at least sit there and wait for her. Pray for her. Be a Mom for her. Like the Mom I've always wanted to and, tried to be. Like I felt I was. I literally felt my heart shatter.
Now this child, who I do love dearly, has put our family through hell the past several years. Before treatment, she did a lot of damage physically and, emotionally. To each and every one of her family members. Some would argue the past several years have been about HER. Her drinking. Her drugs. Her attitude. Her confrontational personality. Her drama. She was destroying our family!
She is a self absorbed, spoiled, petty, vindictive, mean, possibly, Narcissist girl. But, she is and will always be, my daughter! To me, there is nothing deeper than a Mother's love for her child. No matter what your children say or do, there's nothing that will change that. You may not agree with their choices, behavior, the way they treat you. But, you never stop loving them.
Which is why this is so painful!
"This isn't about you". No. It wasn't and, it's not. But, now it is. What am I supposed to learn through this? How can I grow through this? How can I use this to help someone else? How can I make Lemonade out of this lemon? All I've got right now is prayer. Lots and lots of prayer!
Last night, I gave up! I had to give it to God. Completely give HER to God. She, is his.
This morning, after a night of prayer and tears, I woke with a peace that was only from God. It was beautiful. Until she came downstairs ... a little awkward, silly small talk. But, I was able to tell her I love her and, am praying for her.
I'm making Lemonade.
As I type, my 'adult' daughter is being prepared for surgery. She made arrangements with my Sister for transportation and asked that I not be there. Now, I acknowledge that things have been strained between us for several months now (following her return from an Alcohol Treatment Center.) but, to hear the words "No, I don't want you there.", "this isn't about you"., You're stressing me out", coming from her mouth, pierced my heart.
I stood there numb. In complete, I don't know, absolutely shock? When she first told me about her arrangements, I had to accept them but was hoping I could go and at least sit there and wait for her. Pray for her. Be a Mom for her. Like the Mom I've always wanted to and, tried to be. Like I felt I was. I literally felt my heart shatter.
Now this child, who I do love dearly, has put our family through hell the past several years. Before treatment, she did a lot of damage physically and, emotionally. To each and every one of her family members. Some would argue the past several years have been about HER. Her drinking. Her drugs. Her attitude. Her confrontational personality. Her drama. She was destroying our family!
She is a self absorbed, spoiled, petty, vindictive, mean, possibly, Narcissist girl. But, she is and will always be, my daughter! To me, there is nothing deeper than a Mother's love for her child. No matter what your children say or do, there's nothing that will change that. You may not agree with their choices, behavior, the way they treat you. But, you never stop loving them.
Which is why this is so painful!
"This isn't about you". No. It wasn't and, it's not. But, now it is. What am I supposed to learn through this? How can I grow through this? How can I use this to help someone else? How can I make Lemonade out of this lemon? All I've got right now is prayer. Lots and lots of prayer!
Last night, I gave up! I had to give it to God. Completely give HER to God. She, is his.
This morning, after a night of prayer and tears, I woke with a peace that was only from God. It was beautiful. Until she came downstairs ... a little awkward, silly small talk. But, I was able to tell her I love her and, am praying for her.
I'm making Lemonade.
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